Episode 5 — The Lighthouse

SCENE: DOGEN and JACK watching JACK’s son DAVID audition for fancy music school

DOGEN
Your son’s very talented

JACK
O Thanx

DOGEN
In fact… I’d even say he’s a candidate… for a scholarship.

JACK
Wow! Really?

DOGEN
Except none of this is real! Alternate reality, Jack! You’ve just been Dogen’d! Again!

JACK
Jesus ch– Again? Really? Wait, but I have a son! And, uh, a constant eerie feeling of deja vu.

DOGEN
That’s because it’s all falling apart, buddy. That’s why I’m here, that’s why you have that scar from the island, why you and your son will so easily reconcile 13 years of crappy fathering. That shit ain’t happening in the real world!

JACK
Wait, so this is all a dream or something? Am I still on the island?

DOGEN
Beats me. Hey, I could punch you to find out.

JACK
Okay!

[DOGEN punches JACK in the arm as hard as he can]

JACK
Ow!

DOGEN
Dogen’d again! This is too easy.

THE INSULT THAT MADE A MAN OF BEN LINUS

CAPTION
Tired of being a wimpy history teacher?

[BULLY PRINCIPAL kicks sand in BEN's face]

BULLY PRINCIPAL
Watch out wimp!

BEN
Cough cough! That’s DOCTOR wimp!

SEXY LADY WITH BEN
Wow! That administrator sure is HOTT. L8tr loser. LOLZ.

BEN
Ooooh! I hate that principal! Maybe I’ll try Dr. Linus’ sine-building program. It’s supposed to make you ruthless and cunning in just two weeks.

LATER…

BEN
Hmm… Sacuy emails between the principal and the nurse. Jackpot!

BULLY PRINCIPAL
Well Linus, you got me dead to rights. I could resign, but then maybe I don’t your fake daughter/fav student a recommendation.

BEN
No, I think you’ll do both. Oh, and I think I’ll bang your wife, too! Ha!

BULLY PRINCIPAL
Oh, I am no match for such a mastermind.

BEN
Damn right!

SCENE: Ji Yeon is at home playing with blocks

NANNY
Ji Yeon, lunch is ready.

Ji YEON
Where’s Mommy?

NANNY
She flew to America to track down and kill the man she blames for your daddy dying.

Ji YEON
Daddy?

NANNY
But when she got there he talked her into getting on a plane that she knew would probably crash land so that she could FIND your daddy.

Ji YEON
Daddy’s not dead?

NANNY
Well, he was technically dead since he time-travelled back to the 70s and died in a horrible accident. BUT then they set off a bomb that brought him back to the future and the same island your mammy’s at. And where you were conceived!

Ji YEON
Daddy’s with Mommy?

NANNY
Almost. He’s just been kidnapped by one of mommy’s friends.

Ji YEON
Oh…

Ji YEON
Is mommy coming back soon?

NANNY
I wouldn’t say soon., but eventually. Hopefully.

[Ji YEON pauses to think]

Ji YEON
Who are you?

NANNY
Ha ha ha! Your lunch is getting cold.

ILANA
Okay, I’m back with all this extremely unstable hundred fifty year old dynamite. I’ll just ever so carefully put it down now…

BOOM!

[Ilana explodes]

RICHARD
Crap! Well, time to get more dynamite!

BOOM!

[HURLEY blows up the Black Rock]

RICHARD
Dammit Hurley! Now we gotta go ALL THE WAY across the island and get Ben’s C4. That’s gonna be a real pain! Plus you’re lying about talking to Jacob.

HURLEY
Oh yeah? Well, Ilana’s talking to me right now, and she says “FUCK YOU FOR BLOWING ME UP WHEN YOU’VE GOT PERFECTLY GOOD C4!. WHAT THE FUCK!”

RICHARD
Yeah, well… No one liked her anyway.

Oh man! Cutting it really close this week! I’ll be better next time. Seriously, I thought Jack was smart. He’s a doctor, right? Why’s he always punching and smashing things?

Time to watch Lost!

Also a happy birthday to Rose! And a belated happy birthday to my sis Greta. Woo hoo!